Starting your first programming job can be a daunting experience. How do you progress from basic CRUD apps to competent work on a complex application? Meanwhile, training inexperienced developers can feel like a goal with no roadmap. How can you help a newbie when you can’t even remember what it was like to be in his shoes? Drawing from a wide range of topics including cognitive psychology, mysticism, and alligators, this talk will address both sides of the technical onboarding challenge, providing thorough and structured advice for both entry-level developers and those who mentor them. Many of the tips on skill acquisition and learning should be helpful to those in more advanced positions as well.